The way you make me feel
by Spashleylove11
Summary: "I look back at her now; she's sitting down at a desk. Long blond hair framing her perfect face. That question makes me remember….I hate remembering." the relationship starts out rocky but turns into something beautiful...Spashley.
1. Chapter 1

**So this is my first story. Not really sure if it's anything great, but it was definately fun to write. Please review and let me know if I should continue this story. Advice is also always appreciated. Enjoy! :D**

**And of course I do not own SoN. **

I walked quickly into the nearly empty library, just wanting to get this over with. I looked around and then I spotted her… Spencer. I nearly ran up to her just wanting to leave and be anywhere but here.

"I'm gonna talk and you are gonna listen got it?" Maybe a little bit harsh but if there is anyone who deserves it, she would be the girl.

She looks up from her book and stares at me with eyes like the sky on an impossibly perfect day. "Well, hello to you too sunshine"

Man, her eyes are really—wait a second! Sunshine seriously, she did not just call me that. God, I'm not some kind of fricken Care Bear.

I scowl, "Did you know that I hate you…."

She's smiling, that smile. That smile that makes me feel, well I don't really know exactly what it makes me feel, and I also have no idea why she would be smiling when I said I hated her "Yes I've heard from various people including you in many different ways"

"Oh, I'm glad" I couldn't really tell you who she has heard it from.

"Yep, me too. It is always very interesting to hear a new theory about why it is you hate me" Interesting! Really that is what she finds interesting.

"Are you crazy?" I just have to ask because honestly I would love to know.

She looks up at me and laughs, a sweet, relaxed sort of laugh "Well, you would have to describe what being crazy is and then I could probably give you a great answer to that question."

I look away towards some books, I think it is the unicorn section…..they have those in libraries. I think. "Seriously you are just not normal"

I can't see her face, but I can hear it in her tone, I can feel that there is so much more when she asks "Well what is normal?"

I look back at her now; she's sitting down at a desk. Long blond hair framing her perfect face. That question makes me remember….I hate remembering "I've been asked that many times"

I see the spark in her eye and I know she understands that I don't like the memories and feelings that come with this conversation. "Oh really by whom may I ask"

"Just a friend" yeah a friend….

"By the way you said "just a friend" I'm gonna guess that's not all there is." Oh wow it's Sherlock fricken Holmes….what an observant person.

"Maybe you would be right….her name was Katie and she was important to me, there is the story"

"Was….what happened?"

"Haven't you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?"

"Yes but I also happen to know that satisfaction brought it back" She tilts her head and simply looks me right in the eyes, and I don't know what to do….. I don't walk away, I don't tell her to mind her own business, because I can't, so I tell the truth.

"It's simple really, I loved her and she didn't love me back."

She is wearing an unreadable expression "I don't understand."

"What? Loving another girl…well it's the same as loving a guy I mean-" wow I did not know being gay was that far-fetched to some people and I also can't believe she just cut me off.

"No, I understand that. I don't understand how she couldn't love you back." Oh My God…..unbelievable I cannot believe she just said that, what does that even mean….this is going too far, it needs to stop.

I look away because I have to, because I can't look into those eyes and keep on hating her. I need to stay away "OK, this is getting extremely off topic and what I came here to remind you was that we have a project to do, I expect you to be at my house by 1 o' clock tomorrow no later, and please no earlier."

She looks down at her feet, an almost disappointed look has fallen upon her face, and I hate that it's there "Fine, I guess I will see you tomorrow."

As I am about to walk out of the library Spencer says

"I never did understand why you hated me"

There is a reason she never understood. I didn't want her to understand, it is better for both of us if she doesn't. So I continue walking like I hadn't heard a single thing.


	2. Can't or won't

**Here is a second chapter, hopefully it is alright. Thank you to all who reviewed my first chapter. Soon some questions should be answered and any confusion will be cleared up. Review, rate, Enjoy!**

I'm nervous. No I don't think nervous is the right way to describe what I'm feeling. I'm scared. I'm afraid that it will happen again, I'll fall for a girl like I did before, and I won't be able to stop myself. It was a mistake inviting Spencer to my house; it was a mistake not asking the stupid teacher to change partners. I probably should have asked her why we had to do a project on pandas for Latin class too, because that still confuses me. I glance at the clock and its 12:55. And now it's too late to change anything, I'm always too late.

And the then I hear the knock on the door, and being the smooth person, I am I almost die trying to get there to open it, but then again maybe dying would be better.

"Hello, I see you got here" I look anywhere but at her afraid of what I may see. Actually not really what I would see, but how it would make me feel.

"Yeah I guess I did, considering I'm at your front door right now" I can hear her giggle quietly and I've never heard something so, so carefree, so light, so happy in my life. Then I make the mistake of looking at her, and once I do I can't look away. I can't look away because it just wouldn't be right. She's, she's almost like a fallen angel but better in every way possible. Even though she's only wearing jeans and a simple T- shirt with her hair up in a messy bun she is still so beautiful it's impossible to describe.

"Oh wow you are just so funny" I use the one defense I know best to try and shield myself from what I am feeling, sarcasm. It usually seems to work pretty well.

She looks around my yard and then back at me with her piercing eyes "Yeah I try…..are you gonna let me in any time soon or should I try and break in through a window" It pisses me off that she thinks she is so funny, but what makes me more mad is that I would think she is too, if I wasn't trying so hard not to like her.

"Yeah, yeah whatever just come in" I'm seriously starting to regret this.

She looks at me like she expected me to tell her to leave and never come back, and for some reason that upsets me deeply, she lets out a whispered "Thanks" as she walks past me into the house gently grazing my hand with hers. I can feel the sparks shooting up my arm. And I'm not sure if this was an accident but I can only hope it was.

I need some time to just breathe "You can go up to my room if you want, second door on the right and I'll bring up some food or something."

She looks at me with a smirk on her face, and I have no idea why "I remember where you're room is. And "Or something"….what would that be" she gives me a suggestive sort of smile, her rich blue eyes roaming over me. And now she's flirting with me, truly unbelievable. I don't know if she understands the lines that she is crossing, but even if she did I doubt she would stop. I'm not going to flirt back though because I don't think I could take it.

I roll my eyes and quickly say while pointing to the stairs "Just go."

She shakes her head and smiles at me like she knows something I don't. Then she salutes me "Whatever you say boss."

I walk into my room with some popcorn. Popcorn is most likely the best snack ever and I am pretty excited to be eating it until I see her holding one of my pictures. I am actually considering running out the door right now until she says, still looking down at the picture.

"She is pretty..."

And like I always was with Katie, I was unable to stop myself. I walk up behind Spencer not realizing how close we were and took the picture from her hands. "Yeah she really is beautiful"

Then she turns around and looks at me. Straight at me and it is then that I realize we are only inches apart and I can't do it. I see the way she is looking at me. She wants to know, she understands exactly what line she is crossing and she couldn't care less. She knows what she is asking of me, I just don't understand why, why she has to care so much. "What happened between you two?" She asks the question that so many people asked me before, but it's different with her. It's absolutely terrifying.

"I can't talk about it" I start to back away because I shouldn't be this close to her, I should never be this close with anyone after what happened.

And she looks me dead in the eye. I can't tell if she's mad, or upset, or confused. I don't know if she's trying to understand me and open me up but honestly I just don't care. I wish I had stopped her before she said her following words. "Can't or won't Ash"


	3. I have to go

**Hey guys. So all the conversations and such from the past are in Italics, hopefully some of the confusion will be cleared up in this chapter…if not it will be in time so don't worry. Reviews are awesome :D Enjoy!**

"_Can't or won't Ash" _I close my eyes just trying to block her out. She called me Ash, she called me Ash and I haven't heard her call me that for a while not since…

_I saw a beautiful blond take a seat in the chair next to me "Hey so you're the new girl"_

_She looks up from her notebooks and smiles, an enchanting smile at me "Yep I guess that would be me"_

"_Well stranger I'm Ashley Davies" I put out my hand for her to shake. _

_She takes mine in her own smooth, soft hand "Nice to meet you Ashley I'm Spencer Carlin "_

After that meeting we did start to talk a lot, she would come over to my house and we would spend nights just getting to know each other. It was fun and we became really great friends. She knew that my favorite animal was an Elephant and I knew that she was terrified of bridges and spiders. We seemed to be fit for each other. But then I met Katie. She was different than anyone else I knew. She was older than me by a few years, and didn't go to our high school. She became my everything. I started talking less and less with Spencer and I never did tell her about Katie. We still said hello in the hallways but it wasn't the same. Katie took up most of my time and we became so close. She taught me how to live and be free, and she made me happy. Happier then I have ever been before. She was exciting to be with; with her I never knew what was going to happen next. I loved her, in every single way a human being could love another person. Then it happened. And Katie wasn't there anymore. I wasn't the same girl after it. I was just bits and pieces of the old Ashley Davies and I was almost certain I wouldn't be whole again, at least not for a long time. I was lost and I didn't know if I could ever be found. But Spencer noticed. She noticed how torn up I was and slowly we started talking again like we used to. She found me. She asked me what happened, but I never once mentioned Katie…I just couldn't. She was always there and she helped me to become myself again. She was a better friend then I ever was to her and I couldn't understand why. She would always watch out for me and I was grateful, I was so grateful for that. After a while something in our relationship changed and I wasn't sure if I liked the way it was going. All I know is that I was afraid of what would happen.

_We were sitting on her bed in the room facing each other and just talking about everything and anything. But there was one question on my mind that I had been dying to ask her for a while. _

_I look up at her timid, but so curious. "Spence why were you there?"_

_She chuckles and it makes me smile, a real smile "Ash that's not very specific"_

_Then I was serious again, because this was one thing that always bothered me "I basically stopped talking to you, but when I was falling apart you were there, and I just don't know why"_

_She gazes at me "I care about you" she said as if it was the simplest thing in the whole world._

_It just can't be that simple though I mean, I was horrible to her "But I was a total jerk to you. I mean, out of the blue I just start not texting you back and not inviting you over and-"_

_She takes my hand in hers, gently strokes it and makes sure I am looking at her before she says "Ash it's simple. I really care about you and I knew you were always there you were just a little bit distracted" she says it in a soothing tone and I don't know why but everything that she has done for me in the past couple of months just hits me. _

_I whisper because I feel like it's a special secret I don't want anyone else to know "Spence you saved me"_

"_I'll always be here to save you" and she had this look in her eyes. This look of sheer hope and maybe just maybe love reflecting back at me from her ocean blue eyes. She started to lean in and I just froze. She lightly cupped my face, slowly rubbing small patterns on my cheek with her thumb, and then gently kissed my lips….I had to pull away. I knew exactly what was happening, I was falling for her. I was falling hard, so hard it hurt. But I was afraid. I couldn't take it, not after what happened with Katie, not after everything I had been through, so I did the only thing that I thought would help me._

"_Spencer I have to go" and it was sickening watching the realization hit her and then the pain slowly creep across her face, but I just couldn't do this not with her, not with anyone._

"_Ash I'm sorry" she was blaming herself, but it wasn't her fault at all. _

"_Good bye Spencer"_ and with that I left. I left her house I left her life and I got as far away as possible. She tried to talk to me at school but I ignored her. I told everyone that I hated her and sometimes even got into fights with her in front of crowds. I needed others to believe that I hated her for me to believe it. She always kept trying to talk to me, to just try and understand I guess. But after a while I had certain walls built and I had to take precautions to keep from letting anyone hurt me like Katie did. Staying away from Spencer kept all my feelings I had for her away, that is until we got this stupid project.


	4. She hurt me

**I'm glad some things may be starting to make more sense. Thank you so much for all the reviews and for reading the story, it really helps motivate me to write more. Anyways here is the next chapter...review...please..and Enjoy!**

I look around the room trying to find something to change this subject to, anything. "Spencer please just drop it"

Her royal blue eyes travel down to the floor and she whispers so quietly, I almost couldn't hear her, almost "I want my friend back Ashley, and I know she must have had something to do with what happened between us."

Now I'm not just upset or annoyed, I'm angry. I'm livid, she shouldn't be putting Katie into this conversation, it just isn't necessary. "Last time I checked, you wanted to be something more than just friends."

Her head snaps up and our eyes meet a daring look in her eyes. "So now you're gonna blame this on me, you're unbelievable" Her words drip with disbelief and anger, it doesn't suit her sweet voice.

I don't know what else to say to her at this point I just want her to leave. "Spencer YOU kissed me, who am I supposed to blame? Katie? She was out of my life before you did what you did."

"I tried to apologize so many times. I came up to you at school, after school but you never listened to me, not once. I thought after everything we had been through you would at least hear me out. I thought I meant enough to you that you would at least try to save our friendship. But instead… you acted like you hate me in front of the whole school. You took all of my insecurities that I felt safe enough to tell you about and just threw them out there for everyone to laugh at…you laughed at me Ashley. What were you thinking?"

All I can do is stare down at my hands. I'm ashamed of myself. I hate myself more than anything in this world right now, because she's right. She's always right. She never deserved anything I did to her. "I don't know what I was thinking."

She slowly starts to take small steps towards me, a sense of anger and irritation in her voice. "As much as you hate to admit it Ashley I know you, and I can tell that you're lying to me." She's standing in front of me her electric eyes searching me for some kind of answer, anything to help make sense of the situation, she says the next part In a gentle whisper. "You can tell me. I wasn't lying when I said I would always be there to save you Ash but you have to let me in."

I don't deserve this from her, she should hate me and walk away right now but she is here trying to help me and I can't take it "Why can't you just give up on me? All I've done is made your life hell. Honestly I thought you would have gotten some kind of message by now."

"I have definitely gotten a message, and it's simple. You're not happy. When we first met and started hanging out you were different Ash. Now you're so, I hate to say it but cold and so reserved. You close yourself off from people so you can't get too close to them; I've watched you do it to so many other kids at our school. And I'm guessing that's exactly what you did to me. But you can't just turn that way over night. You couldn't have gone from the Ashley I knew and loved to some cold heartless girl in 24 hours. What happened to you Ash? What happened with her?"

Tears start to slowly make their way down my face. I've never felt so vulnerable since my time with Katie. Spencer said she had loved me. She said the Ashley I knew and loved, for some reason that made me open up. It was like some kind of wake up call. I needed to let out what happened to me because no matter how hard I tried, what she did to me was always in the back of my mind slowly tearing me apart. And to me when I said my following words they sounded so broken, and hollow. "She hurt me Spence"

"What did she do to you" And now there was no longer purely curiosity or irritation in her voice. There was a sharp edge, and that question was filled with what might have been hate. I looked up into her eyes and they had taken on a much darker shade, like the midnight sky, and she had a determined kind of look on her face. And then I realized that the hate and anger in her voice wasn't directed at me, not at all, it was directed at Katie.


	5. I'm sorry

**So here's the next chapter. It is a bit longer than usual but some things are explained here. I'm glad some are frustrated with Ashley; she deserves it in this story. The conversations from the past are in italics. Thanks to the people who review, it always helps my writing….So please review and Enjoy **

She grips my hand and leads me over to the bed and I follow her actions by sitting down across from her. I don't really know how to tell the story that I've kept secret for so long. "I don't know where to start"

"Start from the beginning Ash, when we first met, then stopped talking to now." She says it softly while rubbing light circles on the palm of my hand.

I brace myself for what I'm about to say, because no matter how hard I try it still hurts…I hold her hand tightly and tell her the story that will hopefully make sense of everything."I met Katie a bit after we had first met. And that's the main reason I wasn't talking to you as much. It wasn't necessarily that she was a better friend than you or I liked her more it was just different, she was just different. She was older and more mature, I don't know. Spencer, when I met her I wasn't really sure how I felt about girls and I tried not to show it but there was always this war raging inside my head….girls…guys. Is it ok to like a girl, what is it like? And I know that's no excuse for me just dropping you like that. But she seemed to see right through me. After a few days she realized that I was on the fence about my sexuality. She used to talk to me about it all the time; she would help me and give me advice. Whenever I was afraid of what I was feeling I would go to her, because usually she knew exactly how to handle it. And I guess somewhere in that i just got too caught up in her. She would tell me that she loved me, and she would call me sweetie and baby. She would hug me and I don't know, the way she acted was just different from how I was with my other friends, we became really close. I had never felt that way with anyone else. And then one day she asked me out. I was nervous and I definitely wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but she promised that we would go slowly and I could finally have some kind of a relationship with a girl. So I said yes because I really did love her, I loved her more than anything at the time. She was telling the truth when she said we would take it slow, we went on dates but she never pressured me to do anything. We got to know each other even more and we had a really strong bond, at least I thought we did. Slowly I started to feel more comfortable around her, and then one night she asked me to come back to her place, I remember it so clearly."

_We were standing outside her car when she broke the silence with the question "Ash, come over tonight" _

_I was shocked, and blushing. I looked anywhere but her face trying to hide my nerves. "I don't know"_

_Her voice was kind and soothing "It'll be fine baby I promise, no worries"_

_We made our way back to her house, and we were both sitting on her bed she was gently stroking my leg, when she suddenly said looking right into my eyes._

"_You know I love you Ash"_

_I honestly thought I had heard wrong, I must have. "You w-what"_

_But then she said it again and my heart felt like it had grown 3 sizes "I love you"  
Finally I got to confess to her what I had been feeling for a long time "I love you too"_

_She slowly started to kiss up my neck and to my jaw._

"_We should do it baby girl"_

_I was worried, really worried, it would be my first time. "Katie I don't know….I'm not ready."_

"_It's ok baby, we'll go slow and you'll love it, like I love you, there's nothing to worry about." The tone of her voice, something just made me feel safe, and I knew I could trust her so we took that next step. _

"With that she started to take of my shirt, and we did it. I had finally done it with a girl, and it was so special to me, I definitely wasn't great but it was my first time with anyone actually. A couple of days later I went over to Katie's house and what I saw that day….it was heart breaking. She and about 10 friends were sitting around a TV, and at first I didn't know what they were doing, but it seemed like they were watching something and laughing. I walked in closer to get a better look, and I realized they were watching my first time, my special moment. They were watching everything that happened between me and Katie that, night, and they were laughing. They laughed at how inexperienced I was, and how slow I was, and then they congratulated her. They congratulated her for winning the bet, for accomplishing the ultimate goal, for getting a virgin. And I think my heart actually broke right then and there, I didn't cry, because I couldn't. I just couldn't feel anything, and then Katie caught my eyes and she stopped laughing. She quickly got up and tried to come up to me but I ran out the door, I couldn't take her right then, actually after that I never wanted to see her face again. She caught up with me outside her house, before I had the chance to leave.

_She sounded upset, but then again that might have been some kind of act "Ash you weren't supposed to see that"_

_I was on the verge of tears but I didn't want her to see me like that. "Don't call me Ash, don't ever call me that Katie"_

_She was looking downs at the ground with her hands in her pockets "Look I'm so sorry"_

_It all just felt so fake, everything we had been through "Yeah so am I, I'm sorry that it took so long for you to get in my pants and win the stupid bet."_

_Then she looked up into my eyes, she had blue eyes, a little like yours Spencer. And she took my hand in hers, I felt sick. "Ashley look it did start out as a bet but by the end it was way more than just that, you mean more than some stupid bet." _

_I didn't want to hear her apologies "You recorded it"_

"_I'm sorr-"_

_Tears were slowly making their way down my face and by then I just couldn't do it anymore. I had to tell her exactly how I felt. "You recorded us together, doing one of the most private things in the world. I meant everything I ever said to you, and you didn't mean a thing. I hate you, I absolutely hate you. "_

_To my surprise there were tears making their way down her face too, and when she said my name she sounded so desperate. "Ashley"_

"_I hate you because I loved you and I thought you loved me too, but I was wrong. I was stupid. I left my friends so I could hang out with you because I thought you would be the one who was always there for me, but I was so wrong it's sad. I have got to go." _

_But before I had the chance to walk away I heard her shout "I love you Ashley Davies more than anything."_

"And with that I left. She tried to call me, and I didn't talk to her. That was the only time I had ever ignored one of her calls or texts. I did love her, I really did."

She was gripping my hand hard by now and her blue eyes met mine with so many emotions in between "Ashley what the fuck…why didn't you tell your parents, why didn't you tell me? I was there Ash and you never told me."

I continued my tale trying to just make her understand "I couldn't tell my mom. She was a hard core catholic as some would put it and I just didn't need any more pain, not at the moment. I couldn't take someone else leaving me. And I didn't want to tell you Spencer I was ashamed of what happened. I felt like some kind of stupid little girl, who got involved in something way over her head. I felt like a moron, and I still do."

She got closer and looked around for a moment. Then she asked the question I suppose had been bothering her for a while "Ashley I could have helped you more I was ready to, but what happened that day of the kiss. Why did you leave me?"

It was a simple question so I gave her my simplest answer "Because I'm an idiot. I'm just hopeless. Spencer I was terrified of how I was feeling when you kissed me. It was like Katie over again, and I know that you aren't her but I just couldn't deal. You made me feel like she did. I had so many nightmares that made me relive what happened with Katie. I really, really liked you, but I was so terrified of what would happen and that's why I left. I acted like I hated you, because I needed it to be true. I thought maybe if everyone else thought I hated you then so would I. And then I humiliated you, I'm not proud of what I did Spencer, but I needed you to leave me. I needed you to hate every bit of me, because that's what I deserved from you. You didn't need to always be there trying to help put together the broken girl I was, you deserved more than that. After everything that happened I did build walls. I kept everyone away from me because I didn't want anyone to be able to hurt me like Katie did. And I know that I keep using her as an excuse for all my actions, and that's not enough. It's not a good enough reason to justify what I did, and I am sorry."


	6. I can't stop

**So here is the next chapter. Thank you to all who review because it really makes me excited about writing and it also helps me decide what to do next with the story. Please review if you have the time and energy and Enjoy! **

This is really bad, I mean she's not saying anything; she shouldn't have heard all that. She didn't need to know my life story. "Spencer say something."

She's looking down at her hands, and I wish I could have an Edward Cullen moment and read her mind. "I don't really know what to say to that"

Well since I am in fact not Edward Cullen I guess we will have to go the old fashioned way and just speak our thoughts "Just tell me what you're thinking"

Her eyes are on me now, I can feel them "Well, I understand. I totally understand now and it basically all makes sense. I- I just can't believe it."

Jesus fucking Christ, I wonder which part is the hardest to believe. "Which part?"

Her voice is louder now with a hint of anger to it. A sharp edge. "That someone would do that to you Ashley. That someone who knew you trusted them that much would do something like that to you."

Now I'm really in shock and I have to look into those endless eyes because I can't believe she still cares after all I did to her "It doesn't matter, I should just forget about it and let it go. Spencer I basically hurt you just as much. "

I look around and notice she's rubbing her hands together, she seems to do that a lot when she's thinking about something really hard. It makes me uncomfortable knowing that it's me she's thinking about "That's what I thought at first too Ash, but this made me realize that what you did honestly wasn't that horrible, I mean you did humiliate me and it will take a while for me to get over that. "

I say the first thing that comes to mind "How can you ever get over something like that?"

There is a small smile on her face and a little spark in her eyes… it's adorable "Because, you still cared even when you did that to me, it was just your way of caring."

"But-"

She put her hand over my mouth I guess for some kind of extra effect, but I can't really think too much because when she takes it away my face is all tingly. Then she starts to talk "No, no buts. You thought you were helping me, by keeping me away from you. You are honestly too hard on yourself. I am willing to forgive you, but you need to start forgiving yourself. There was one thing that you didn't understand back then and I guess you still don't understand it now. "

What the….."And what would that be?"

She has taken both my hands in hers and her eyes are boring into mine. I pay close attention because when she's talking it is always important, but now it seems different, like something I need to hear. "That the only thing that helped me was when I was with you. You made everything better for me and you didn't even know it. I wanted to help you Ashley, after what Katie did to you, I WANTED to be there to get you back to normal, because I missed the old you. I missed when you would smile and laugh and everything would instantly be ten times better, you would just live in the moment and enjoy it. You were never like that again, I'm going to help you, but this time I'm not going to let you push me away, and I'm definitely not going to let you run from your feelings."

Oh god…this cannot happen again. We cannot get that close again. I take my hands from hers and stand up "I don't think that's a good idea"

She is now also standing a challenging look in her eyes and a big smile gracing her beautiful face "I think it's a great idea"

I sigh because I truly don't understand her. She must not remember the last time she tried to help me. "Why would you even say that, you know exactly what happened last time, as I have stated before you should just stay away from me. No matter how I feel about you, I just- I'm too afraid to act on it, you would know…..it would be just like the night when we kissed and what happened after. You know how I made your life hell. I don't want to hurt you again Spencer."

And now she's stepping closer to me. Intent on keeping her eyes locked with mine "Do you like me Ashley?"

Ummm that was random. "Yes"

Another step closer "Do you like me as a friend?"

OK this is getting funny and not funny ha-ha funny weird "Of course I do but I mea-"

Another few steps and now she's in my personal space "Did you like me as more than a friend when we kissed?"

I take a couple of steps back, away from her intoxicating presence. This conversation is not heading in the right direction "Spencer"

Her voice is strict, and she just looks like she needs to hear the answer "Just answer my question"

I want to run, but I've done that before and I guess it's time for the truth "Yes"

She takes another step towards me her eyes blazing "Did you want to kiss me that night?"

I don't know what to do, I thought we already covered all this "I was afraid"

One more step towards me and once again almost too close for comfort "Did you want to do it Ashley?"

Honesty is a bitch "More than anything"

And with the next step she is merely inches away from me….way too close. "Do you still feel the same way?"

I try to move back and get away but all I do is feel my hit the wall "It's not the same Spencer and you know it"

She has her hands on either side of my head against the wall and I can smell her, it's just too much "Maybe it's not the same situation, but do you still feel the same way about me?"

I look down at the floor. I can't keep looking into those eyes and get my thoughts together at the same time. So I take my time and chose my next words carefully "No, It's different. I liked you before, I liked you a lot, but I could at least try to hold my feelings back and ignore them. I mean that is exactly what I did when I left your house the night that we kissed, I totally ignored my feelings. But now with you here I can't ignore them anymore. I'm trying so hard to just put my feelings away, anywhere. Just get them out of my head"

She leans in close and whispers into my ear "What are you feeling?"

Why can't she just let this be "I shouldn't Spencer, not after everything that has happened"

Her voice is a harsh whisper. Her eyes have darkened and they are breaking me, totally tearing me apart. She's frustrated, I can tell "Ashley please just tell me. Take down the walls, stop with the filter just tell me what you're really feeling for once, be honest with me for once"

I guess I can't hide it anymore so I assume now would be the best time to say it. And this time I don't think before I talk, I just look into those eyes that I love so much and say what I'm thinking "Fine, alright. I like you Spencer I really, really like you, I never stopped. And right now I'm freaking out because I can't stop. I can't stop noticing the way your eyes get dark like the sky in the middle of the night when you're upset or curious, I can't stop noticing whenever you even slightly move next to me, I can't stop almost dying whenever your hand accidentally touches my arm, whenever you touch me at all, I can stop noticing how you rub your hands together whenever you're thinking, I can't stop noticing that little sparkle in your eye whenever you have hope or a mischievous idea, and how it makes your dream like eyes even more amazing , I can't stop noticing how beautiful you are, I can't stop falling for you all over again" I'm out of breath after my little rant and I have little hope of just going back to hating her or at least pretending that I do.

She moved in closer, her cheek gently brushing against mine, and then pressing against my jaw line, down to my neck. Then I felt her nose agonizingly slow, make its path from the base of my neck up to my chin and only then did she pull back. I closed my eyes just trying to take it all in and understand it all. And when I opened them back up her eyes were still on mine. Her eyes were soft yet filled with determination and confidence. And her next words that came out in a soft whisper I never expected. "Then don't." 


	7. Like a little bunny

**Sorry it took a little bit longer than usual. School and other things got in the way but here is the next chapter. Also thanks to all who reviewed this story and my new one-shot ****The truth hurts I'm not sorry****. In that story Spencer's monologue was actually the same monologue I wrote for my drama class just different names of course, and I recited it to the WHOLE school…scary stuff. But I thought I would share it with you guys and get some feed back on it. If you have no idea what monologue I'm talking about and you're curious go read the one-shot. Anyways sorry for the long annoying notes, enjoy the chapter and tell me what you think. **

"_Then don't"_ it was only two words, simple enough. But the thing is it wasn't simple. Not at all. It's just moving so fast right now and I'm not sure what those two words mean. So once again I close my eyes and try to compose myself and my thoughts. For once I take it all in. I take her in. She's all around me, I can smell her, I can feel her. It does still feel like that night we kissed so long ago. I could feel it, losing myself, falling with nothing to hang on to. And once again I can't stop myself from thinking of Katie and my breathing picks up. I am afraid once again, and I can't open my eyes. She is here with me now. I just try to memorize the feel of her presence, because despite it all I wasn't sure if she would still be around in a while. I wasn't sure if she could handle all this. Then I felt her hand lightly, soothingly rubbing my cheek.

Then I heard her voice. Soft, smooth, and so promising, so safe. "It's ok Ashley. Just breathe. I'm right here, right now. Don't be afraid, just breathe"

I didn't open my eyes and I tried to steady my breath and find my voice but it came out weak "I don't think I can breathe with you here"

Her voice was closer to me now and I could feel her warm breath tickling my neck "Why Ashley"

And then I open my eyes and I can tell she is worried. She's so close to me and I know that what I'm about to say is probably the stupidest thing in the world, but I said I would be honest and as I also stated honesty is a bitch. "Because, you take my breath away."

And to my surprise she didn't laugh. She had a shy smile on her face and her eyes lit up like lightning, energy running through them. She leaned in and gave me a soft kiss on the cheek. Her lips lingering there for a moment until, to my disappointment, she pulled away. She put her arms back at her sides "You're sweet"

I couldn't help the dopey smile that spread across my face "You think so?"

She chuckled lightly and then wraps her arms around me in a gentle yet strong embrace. "Yeah, yeah I do."

Once the hug was over I couldn't help myself. There was one thing that was still bothering me and I just had to ask "Spence what are we?"

She smiled when I used her nick name. And to my surprise she didn't get upset, not at all. If anything she looked to be a bit relieved which I, for one do not understand. And then she gave me a special smile. One that made my heart jump and caused the butterflies in my stomach to wake up from their slumber. And then she gave me her answer "Honestly I don't think there is a word to describe what we are. We have something really special. And with some work from both of us it could become even more. And I know that I really like you and from what I've heard you might like me too. We've already been through a lot together and I think that what we are is meant for each other. But we'll take it slow, day by day because will it will be good for both of us; we'll be there for each other I hope. Then I'll help you. I'll help you Ashley and I'll make sure nobody hurts you like she did. But you're gonna have to show me that you trust me and that I can trust you too."

So poetic. "Slow is good, and don't worry I will show you that you can trust me and I'll try my hardest. I DEFINITELY like you even though you are crazy"

She pouts and tilts her head to the side. Aww she kinda looks like my cute little puppy. Whenever he was confused he would tilt his head just like that…I always thought he was trying to say What the Fuck man? "And I like you even though you are incredibly cheesy."

What the…did she seriously just call me cheesy "Excuse me? How the heck am I cheesy?"

She starts to breathe quickly and holds her hand over her heart, and she says in a voice that I suppose she thinks sounds like me "Because, you just take my breath away!"

Oh she thinks she's so funny. " Har-fucking- har. What a joker. You are lucky I am EXTREMELY hot and confident and totally don't care what you think."

She's laughing now. Bitch. " Awww did I upset you?"

Puh-lease. "NO as I said I couldn't care less" ok this is ridiculous, she is basically on the floor laughing at the moment. So not cool. "Ash I'm sorry. I think it was very cute."

Well that wasn't a very sincere apology and cute. Ashley Davies is many things, but she is not cute. " Excuse me, but there is a problem here. There are many adjectives that could be used to describe me, but cute is not one of them. I can even name a few for you…hmm there is gorgeous, drop dead gorgeous,-"

"Ashley"

"Sexy"

"Ashley"

"Smokin- yeah I like that one"

"Ash!"

"Smoldering, although that is a pretty big word and kinda awkward"

"ASHLEY!"

"Jesus Spencer, no need to shout. I'm right here and I didn't say deaf was one of the adjectives to describe me."

" Well now that I have you attention this conversation is over. You are cute just like a little bunny."

"Aw man- well as long as I'm your bunny"

Hmm she has a weird expression on her face "Umm Ash I'm not sure if you wanna know this but I kinda killed my old bet bunny by accident- forgot to feed it or something."

"Oh god."


	8. Forgive me

**I am so sorry for the kind of long wait….a lot of school stuff going on. But here is the next chapter, please review it will help me to update faster, and steer the story in the right direction. Enjoy. **

It had been a few days since my long talk with Spencer. Honestly I was just finding everything really hard to believe, and I needed some time to think. Don't get me wrong I'm glad. I'm so glad that Spencer is giving me another chance that I know I don't deserve. I'm worried though. I'm so worried that I won't be able to let her in. That I won't be able to love her the way that she deserves, and the way that I want to. So I needed some time to think and luckily I have gotten that time. Our school is on break…finally. Spencer went to visit her grandmother. I know we will be talking more and stuff when she comes back but right now it's good for both of us to have some space and really think things over.

I decided to go for a walk. A nice peaceful walk. Anything to get me out of the house. Lately my mom will not leave me alone. My mom has been acting really weird lately. I wonder what is wrong with her. She does not know that I'm gay. So she basically thinks I'm socially retarded and can't get a date with a guy. Every time I see her dating is all she talks about, and she never stops talking. Seriously, I have like 15 versions of Dating for Dummies in my room. I'm not really sure if I should be offended. Anyways she also got me the books in like 5 different languages. I think there is Italian, Spanish, French….Maybe she thinks one of the languages will get through to me. Who knows? Anyways I just need some peace and quiet, so here I am walking. Oh look a cute little puppy with its mama.

"Awww you got a cute little puppy and bitch there" What? I like to use the scientific term for a mother dog.

"Excuse me did you just call my dog a bitch, cause the only bitch I see here is you." What a fucking douche. I think I will now politely explain my actions.

Wow he must be mad. I can see a vein popping out of his forehead. Gross "Uhh no actually that's what they call mother dogs…."

Ha-ha the puppy is getting its leash all tangled up in the douche's legs. "Oh you think you so smart don't you. What exactly is your name?" What the hell. Is this dude some kind of stalker?

I look him up and down searching for stalkerish devices….nope none "why do you need to know?"

"Hmm I just wanted to know what they call bitchy, slutty, dykes these days". Nice, very freaking nice. Why does the world have to be so closed minded sometimes. And how did he know I was into the ladies. One of his girlfriends probably dumped him, cause they were falling for me. I wouldn't blame them, this dude could turn any girl gay.

"Yeah, you know what you're right I shouldn't have called your dog a bitch, I should have saved that title for you….douche." I love the word douche. It's kinda like touché but with a D.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" Wow how original…..dumbass.

"Someone who is most definitely not going to waste their time talkin to a god damn cow like you." And now I start to walk in the other direction….yep need to get away. I was looking for quiet not a bitch slapping fight. I almost want to save the poor little dogs from him.

"Yeah leave you dirty dyke" Dirty, Dyke….sounds cool. I like it. Dirty Dyke, Dirty, Dyke, Dirty Dyke. I think that's called alliteration.

"MOOOOOO!" Ha-ha-ha-ha.

I have been walking for a while. And honestly I have no idea where the heck I am going. But it has helped me to clear my mind a bit though. I've been able to think a lot of things through. I think it is time to open myself up to Spencer completely. At least try to take down the walls. Hey look a building! Oh my God. It's a church; I can't even remember the last time I went in a church. I shouldn't want to be in here, I shouldn't at all but there is just something strange. Some kind of strange force that's drawing me in and of course whenever there is a strange force you must follow it, so I open the doors to the church.

It's pretty empty. There is just one dude up there, and of course he gives me a weird look. Jerk. I take a seat in one of the long booth things. What are they called? It's pretty in here actually. It makes me think. I'm so scared to tell my mom about being gay. I'm afraid that she will react like so many others. Being gay is a sin…right? It's considered weird. It's not right. I think the bible might say something about it being morally wrong, but I just heard that on Degrassi, stupid Darcy. So many people might hate me for it. I'm terrified actually. Dyke, that's what people will see me as. Is it worth it? Of course it's worth it, it must be. Love, that true, special, once in a lifetime love is worth everything in the world and more. I feel like I have to do something though, anything to at least try and make everything right, make myself feel better.

I walk up to one of those confessional things. And I open the door and take a seat. That weird slit thing opens.

"I've never done this before... and I'm not really sure what to do." Hmm I'm actually sort of nervous.

"It is OK my child. Clear your mind and your conscious. Why do you need to be forgiven?" He has a deep voice. It's kind of scary.

So I used my knowledge from many movies and what emotions where coursing through my body to craft my next sentence. " Forgive me father for I have loved".


	9. ADD Much!

**It has certainly been a while. The more reviews I get the faster I will update...promise. Also thanks to all who read the story, it makes me very happy :) Please enjoy!**

"_Forgive me father for I have loved"_

I shouldn't have to be forgiven right? It's love, it's beautiful, it's totally awesome… but I feel like I need to be forgiven. I shouldn't feel this way.

"I don't believe I understand "He doesn't. I can tell. He sounds truly confused. I don't care though, I just need to leave. I need to think.

"Yea you and the rest of the world" It's kinda true you know? I just feel like nobody understands. I want them to understand, I want my mom to understand. I'm afraid to tell her. I am so afraid, but lying to her is just making everything worse. I feel horrible when I try and avoid the whole who do you like conversation…because she is my mom and I should be able to tell her anything and everything. I should be able to say mom I think I'm totally falling for this girl and I'm scared mom. I'm so scared of being hurt just like before, but I feel like it must be worth it, love must be worth it. Then again she doesn't know about what happened with Katie and right now she is the last person I ever want to find out.

I am now going to go sit on one of those bench things and think and pray and think. I'll pray for courage because that's what I need right now. I wish it would be like the wizard of Oz I could just go ask for some courage. The lion was totally the shit man. Hey somebody is tapping on my shoulder and I highly doubt that it is Dorothy. "Look I don't need any more weird looks and whatever you are planning on calling me you can just go- "

"Ashley" Hmm that voice.

"Spencer?" what the heck is she doing back here?

"I can stop calling you names but looking at you weird is kind of a natural reaction….to your weirdness" She thinks she is soo funny. And I would care if I didn't think she was too. She is laughing, it's fun to watch her laugh at her own bad jokes you know? Well maybe you don't know, but I do. She laughs and it's quiet and soft and the sound kind of tickles your ears. Sometimes it even looks like her eyes are laughing. It's cute.

Awww she really is cute….but what is she doing here? "Hey what are you doing back so soon I thought-"

"I had some unfinished business here, and it was kind of important" she sounds like she might be in the mafia. I should watch out… I might be that unfinished business. OH God…I must be going crazy.

"Oh really what might that be" she smelly really nice. Like vanilla. But not like how those crappy scent things smell. More like home. Yeah it smells like home and safety and sweetness. Like every bad feeling ever is gone, just the scent of a really cozy place.

"Who would be the better question"Very interesting Spencer Carlin.

"Oooh then who?" What can I say I am very curious? It might just be me but I think she is stepping closer to me…what the hell? Oh shit am I allowed to think that in church.

And now she has stepped in close her breath sweeping over my ear, her sweet voice slowly trailing.

"She's 5'6 maybe, gorgeous black hair blue eyes you might know her" As she pulls away I notice the small smile playing at her lips, just waiting to break through. I also happen to notice the odd stares from some people. Eh fuck them.

"Cute"

"As much as like talking to you about fake girlfriends I do or do not have I must say I am very worried." I would love to say that her light tone made that phrase all a joke but I could see the look in her eyes. It was telling me she was serious.

"What? Why?" I don't like it when Spencer is worried. And who knows maybe something really bad happened. And then she won't be happy anymore and that couldn't be good.

"Ashley, Ashley, Ashley…..you may not have noticed but you are in a church. " She said it really slow…like she thinks I am stupid. I wonder if she knows who she is talking too exactly.

And now I take her hands in mine and frantically look all around the place. "Oh my gosh no wayyyy. I must have gotten lost trying to find the pride parade. Mrs. Do you think you could help me find it?" She deserves it, she's a jerk…a heart stopping adorable jerk….but still.

"Ha-Ha. Seriously why are you, the devil spawn herself here? "She didn't let go of my hands, instead she gently started rubbing patterns onto them. Her soft touch instantly soothing me, as much as possible at the moment.

I look down at our hands and I remember. I remember what I said to that priest. I remember how I felt when my mother asked me who I liked and I couldn't tell her, couldn't even think of telling her. I remembered how the first time Spencer and I started really talking again I couldn't get my heart to calm down. I remembered feeling like I was doing something wrong. I remembered it all "To think "

"About what" I could hear it in her voice. She understood it was serious, she understood that I really was thinking and hard. And I could hear under her melodic voice that she was worried about me, maybe even us.

"Stuff" I shouldn't tell her… she doesn't need to know.

"What kind of stuff" She's pushing. She knows it. I know it. I don't like it when people push me. It makes me want to push back. Then I look up into those eyes that I love so much. And I don't just see the crystal blue of the ocean I see concern. I don't want to push anymore.

"Annoying stuff" It is annoying, very, very annoying.

"Let's go for a walk "

"ADD much" I try to say it lightly, try to distract her. But I can tell from the way she keeps looking over me, holding my hands tight as if I'm about to break…she's not going to drop it.

She says it real soft, a whisper that seems to just float away "Well you aren't going to tell me here and now but I thought maybe you would if we went for a walk"

I want to tell her. And I think I actually need to tell her. "After you"

**If you're happy and you know it clap your hands...just kidding if you are happy though please review and clap your hands if you want but not at the same time. If you are sad feel free to review and tell me how much I suck. Thanks :P **


	10. Need you now

**So it has been like forever since an update. I am really sorry :D please review it helps me get these out quicker**

**Enjoy :D**

We had been walking for a bit. It wasn't necessarily peaceful. There was this underlying tension and I hated that it was there. Once we came to a clearing off the beaten path I heard Spencer say "Here, let's stop now and just rest."

I was glad to have the time to just sit. But I was also nervous…this would be the time that I couldn't escape saying how I was actually feeling. "Sure, sure"

I watch as her eyes slowly focus on what seems like every object around us. She settles on each one giving it a moment of thought. Then before I can process what is happening it is me that those eyes are on. And it is me that she is asking "Ash why were you in that church?"

I give myself a moment to craft a response. And before I say it I know it probably won't satisfy her curiosity. "The windows were pretty and I thought that the inside might look just as nice"

"Please don't do this…not anymore" And as she said this she just sounded tired and disappointed. I was scared that she might be angry with me but this, this is worse than anger.

"Do what" sometimes pretending not to know what is going on is the best possible solution. Because maybe if something isn't acknowledged it isn't real.

She's picking at the grass beneath us and I can practically see the wheels in her head turning. "Try and make jokes, while bottling all your feelings up. It doesn't help me, it doesn't help you at all and I know that it doesn't help our relationship. And don't try to play dumb Ashley it doesn't work for you". The last bit had such an edge that was so unlike Spencer that is was shocking.

"I'm sorry" It's a simple phrase and it's not enough but that's all that weakly comes out from my lips.

Don't be. I should be sorry for pushing you" And that is where she is wrong. She should never ever be sorry for anything that she has done to me…because all of it has helped.

"It's all good"

"Well I'm good. Are you...I don't think so." The last few word were almost a whisper as she looked up to meet my eyes. I don't think that I like those words very much.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know just. How are you?"

"I'm alright I guess…I can deal. Why wouldn't I be fine."

She sighs before responding. She sounds tired, like we say this sort of thing to each other every day "Because you hold everything in and you never show how you actually feel. So I can never be sure."

And even though I like her so much and I know she is right I feel the need to defend myself in some sort of way. "I don't do it with everything. I just have a hard time talking about certain things."

"I know you do, but eventually you will be able to talk about those things to" she takes my hand and gives me a sly grin "hopefully with me."

I chuckle a little at her excited expression loving the way it makes her eyes shine "Maybe. I just feel like there are certain subjects that should never be brought up. They just make things weird."

"Weird is ok"

"Sometimes it is but other times it can cause trouble and tension. I hate when that sort of thing happens."

"You worry too much…you need to relax"

"I can't relax, not right now. Not with everything that is going on."

"It makes me sad when you don't tell me what's bothering you Ash. I hate seeing you upset because it's like there is absolutely nothing I can do." The look on her face is heartbreaking. Her eyes are cast downwards and they are a cloudy blue. She is playing with her hands and a small frown has taken place of the jubilant smile that was there mere seconds before.

So I said the first thing that I thought could make this right. For once I just told her how I felt. "My mom is going to hate me when she finds out"

"She won't hate you Ash I mean it may take some time for her to adjust to the idea but she could never hate you. She is still your mother and you; well you are still her daughter."

"Yeah, but now I would be her gay daughter. Her disgusting gay daughter. Who won't grow up and get married to some great doctor and have tons of grand children for her. I am going to be her gay daughter that she can't believe she ever loved. It's always on my mind you know. I just hate this feeling. Everyday my mom asks about boys and I just lie. I lie right to her face. And she smiles and laughs and I just pretend. I pretend to be someone I'm not. I always have to make sure that I don't slip up and mention something that she can't hear. I'm always afraid around her."

She sort of shrugs and looks around then says so casually "Maybe you should just tell her then."

"Are you crazy?" I believe I have asked her this before but she just gives me so many pieces of evidence to support the idea.

And then it happened. She doesn't reply with her usual sarcastic comment. We don't get into the usual playful banter. Her intense eyes bore right into mine. And her tone takes on an eerie quality "What are you so afraid of?"

"I've already told you." I thought I had explained myself very well actually.

But she doesn't accept my answer, not this time. "Tell me again."

"No I don-"

She sounds angry, no she sounds more than angry and I can tell all this has been brewing for the past few weeks, all these emotions. "Say it; tell me why you are so afraid. Tell me the reason why you go home every day and lie to your mother about who you are and what you do. Tell me Ashley. Tell me what frightens you this much." She just jumped right over a line that should never be crossed.

So I get up and prepare myself for what I'm about to say. I can feel her eyes trained on me as she observes from her spot on the ground. Finally I decide to just let it all out. Because I am tired too…tired of always trying to act like everything is under control. "You don't get it do you? My mother means everything to me. She has always been there for me, every single step of the way. Whenever I would stay up crying all night after Katie left me she was there. She would hug me and comfort me and tell me how much she loved me. I never told her why I was up all those nights crying and she never asked, she never asked once but she was always there. And if I tell her this it would break her heart. It would break her heart and in the end it would break mine too. Because my mother, the one person who was always there for me, wouldn't love me anymore, not like she used to, she wouldn't be there anymore. You should hear what she says about gay people and I laugh along but inside…inside it's like I'm crying all over again. No matter how bad it feels to keep it from her I could never tell her because it would feel worse for her to be gone. Because I need somebody to stand by me and if my mother knew, I would be alone. I can change….at least I can try." I turn my back to her and suddenly I just need space. I need to be away from her because now she knows exactly what's going on in my head and that just can't be good.

I can hear as she slowly gets up and makes her way towards me, but I don't turn around. I can feel her gently lay her hand on my hip but I won't turn around. And as she starts to speak I can feel her warm breath tickling my neck but I can't turn around. "Your mother loves you and no matter what you tell her she will always love you. You're her daughter no matter what sexuality you are you are still her daughter. There are so many more sides to you then just being gay Ashley. You have so many other beautiful qualities and really being gay is just adding to the list. It may take your mother time to get used to it….she might cry, she might scream, she might shout. Imagine how long it took for you to know and accept that you were gay…she needs that time too. But she will always be there."

I let out a frustrated sigh and shake my head "You wouldn't know Spencer. You wouldn't understand. But it doesn't matter. I will find a way to make this right." And maybe she didn't deserve that comment but by that point I really didn't care.

I can feel her hand slowly apply more pressure to my hip and I can almost sense how tense she has gotten. The annoyance in her voice is impossible to look over and her breath is suddenly harsh against the back of my neck. "Make what right Ash? How? News flash you are gay. You are a lesbian, you like girls. And no matter how much you may hate it and want to change it for whatever reason you can't. So stop it. Stop trying to change who you are."

And when I do finally turn around the look in her eyes confuses me. I wanted to sound strong to sound so sure but when something did finally come out of my mouth it only sounded sad, sad and broken. "What if who I am isn't acceptable?"

She took a moment to take in the surroundings, and then gaze into my eyes for what seemed like eternity. She then came in real close. The scent that reminds you of home, and peace, and just laying down and watching the stars, the scent that is Spencer filled my senses. Her breath hit me like a warm breeze. She then laid a light kiss on my cheek, lingering a few moments before slowly pulling away. "That's the thing Ashley, who you are is so much more than acceptable. It's fascinating, shocking, and it's wonderful...you are so wonderful. And god forbid something does happen between you and your mother you won't be alone." Her hands slowly find their way around mine giving them a comforting squeeze as she continues "I'll always be there Ash. I'll be there during all your ups and downs. I'll be there to listen to you laugh and I promise I will be there to hold you when you cry. Because I know that if anything ever happened I could count on you to do the same. So don't worry, you will never be alone. Neither of us will because we will have each other."

**Pleas review and tell me what you think. Should I keep the story going? You tell me. **


	11. Cookies n Cream

**So I have not updated in forever. I am really sorry. After this chapter, if I get good feedback and people want me to keep going I will try to update at least once a week. I do suck though for such a long wait :D **

**Enjoy!**

Spencer and I were just sitting in my room. It had been a week or so since that night when I confessed so many things to her and I felt like things were starting to settle down. I was spinning around in a rolly chair and Spencer was lying down on my bed when my mom came in and gave us chocolate cookies. I couldn't help but feel guilty about all I wasn't telling her as she walked away, a sweet smile on her face. As the door closed I momentarily stopped my spinning and asked Spencer. "Do you really think I should tell my mom?"

She looked up and those eyes of hers that I love so much found mine. She took a thoughtful bite out of her cookie before giving me an answer. "I think that it's your decision."

I could only let out a scoff. I hate it when people get out of answering things like that. Of course that is another talent of Spencer's which she loves to use. "Very helpful"

She sent me one of her mischievous smiles as she sat up leaning against the headboard, and I just fell for her a little bit more. "Yeah, I try"

"Spence"

"Yeah?"

"Wanna play ten questions?" I know that it does sound really immature or whatever but don't judge. Boredom can do a lot to a person. Some people go on chat sites on do weird role playing shit, others stuff their face with food, and apparently I ask questions.

She finished the cookie and looked around the room searching for something or so it seemed. Her eyes then settled on my form and she gave a soft nod. "UMM sure but isn't it twenty questions?"

"Yeah I guess it is but I figured that it would be easier to call it ten questions because we will each be asking the other ten questions. What are you so worried that we will go over or something?"

"I'm not so worried I was just trying to say that-"

I got up and sat across from her on the bed and prepared to ask my first question. I always did love these kinds of games. "Ok I'll ask first. What's your favorite animal?"

As I waited for an answer I watched her movements. She narrowed her eyes in what could have been annoyance or thought. Then her face had this kind of mystic searching expression until she found the answer that she was satisfied with. "I do not appreciate you cutting me off. My favorite animals would have to be giraffes"

Giraffes? "What the hell?"

She looked up at me for a second that was much too short before giving a slight shrug of the shoulders. "They're interesting."

Honestly I thought she was supposed to be a genius or something. That was a very bad response and an even worse explanation for her answer. If that is how she explains answers on tests I can't imagine how she keeps up an amazing grade average. "So are pedophiles…."

She let out a soft chuckle that seemed to light up my room just a little bit. Or maybe it was just me. Either way it was music to my ears, the only kind that I ever want to hear. "There is absolutely no connection there at all. Anyway I am now going to ask a question now."

"Shoot. "

"What is your favorite movie?"

"That is a hard question. Well let's see I don't really have a favorite but if I had to say like two that I liked the best they would be Gia and Girl interrupted." I happen to freakin love Angelina Jolie. I'm not sure if she got that from my movie choices, but she is like one of my guilty pleasures.

She nodded a bit in agreement and I couldn't help the odd sense of joy that came from somewhere within me when I realized we actually did like some of the same things. "Gia was good but it was a sad ending"

Aww she sounds like a little kid. "It was but sometimes life isn't just some sort of fairy tale…"

"Touché….your turn to ask"

"Relax relax I know, give me a second. Ok what is your favorite song?" I know some may consider this a lame question but come on you can never go wrong when you know someone's favorite song. I mean look that last sentence just rhymed so it must be sort of right.

She looked at me with a perfectly sculpted eyebrow raised and a faint smile playing at her lips. The kind of look that makes my heart jump and my brain close shop for the rest of the day. "These questions are so scandalous; maybe we should tone it down a bit."

I must say she is one very cheeky girl. Even if it is cute it can get extremely annoying. "Ha-ha just answer it already."

"Fine- my favorite song at the moment would have to be Super Bass by Nicki Minaj." After she said it she gave me the look, the kind of look that made it seem like she was expecting me to totally freak out or something. I don't know why she would think I would freak out at that though. Nicki Minaj is a cool chick even if all her makeup and clothing does scare me sometimes

"Interesting"

"No other comments?"

"Nope go ahead and ask your next question."

Her eyes seemed to scan mine for a few seconds before she leaned forward resting her hands in her lap. "What song would you say represents your life?"

"Oh so you are into the deeper meaning ones Carlin…" It shouldn't be any big surprise that she would ask something like that. For some unknown reasons she loves talking about that sort of stuff. And for some other reason that is unknown I love her because she loves talking about that kind of stuff.

"Hmmm you could say that or you could say that I'm into a certain girl and I would love to learn more about her."

"You are a sneaky one Carlin I must say. But if I had to choose one song I guess it would be Fucking Perfect by P!nk."

She eyed me incredulously before letting out an amused sigh. "You know some people refer to it as Perfect"

"Yeah, but using the word Fuck is just so much more fun." It really is way more fun. Especially when Spencer is around and you get to see her eyes go all wide when you say it really loud. It kind of makes her look like Bambi.

"I never noticed how immature you where before." But I can tell by the way her voice gets all light that she is lying. She most definitely noticed how immature I am, but I also think that she might just like it.

"Well I guess you learn something new every day. Anyway what's your favorite color?"

"I really like the color green. What is your favorite color? "

"I hate people that copy the questions. But I will answer just for you. My favorite color is royal blue."

She slapped my leg softly with her palm and I promise I tried my hardest to ignore the tingles it sent all the way up to my face. "Thank you so much for letting me have the honor of hearing your answer…royal dick."

And at first I can't even get past the state of shock I am in. It is not every day that you hear Spencer use those kinds of words. But it does amaze me how she can say them with an aura of an innocent school girl. "Tsk, Tsk Spencey that is not a nice name."

"Oh bite me" Sexy and sassy. I like it.

"Tempting but I think I will ask my next question first. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?" This is one of the best questions to ask. It is probably one of the best ways to judge and get to know a person. I couldn't help but wonder why Spencer's cheeks seemed to have formed a reddish tint to them at the mention of the question.

She bit her lip shyly, one of the habits that continues to drive me crazy, before answering. "Cookies and cream."

"Ha-ha cute" So sweet, how fitting.

"Nice Ash. Okay do you like older people?"

"Hell yeah!"

"Uhhhh" She gave me this really weird look. At first I didn't really care or anything but then she started to stare at me for like ten minutes and it was starting to get really annoying.

"What?"

She scooted back, a bit closer to the head of the bed, before slyly saying. "That was a very enthusiastic yes…I can only wonder why."

"Shut up cookies and cream I just think that they can tell really cool stories." It's true. I love older people. They are usually really nice to me, and they always talk about the coolest shit. They have so much knowledge, so much experience. If there is any phrase that I would totally agree with it would be to respect your elders. Because they really are wiser or whatever.

"Oookay I get it go ahead and ask your next question."

"How was your day?"

"Well I spent it talking with you…so you know it could have been better." And I couldn't have looked offended if I tried. I really wanted to, but when I saw Spencer there with her big blue eyes shining with amusement, and a beautifully clever smile painted on her face I just couldn't help but smile myself.

"Nice CC nice"

Her eyes lost a bit of the amusement as confusion set in. She raised her slim arms up in a questioning motion. "What the hell is CC?"

"Yeah it is cookies and cream. Don't you just lurve it?" After watching the priceless expression of annoyance grace her features I couldn't help myself. I started to jump around on the bed singing cookies and cream over and over again.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP." And when I heard her practically bellow the phrase I was stunned into a total silence. I mean what the heck. And I look down to see her smiling angelically up at me. "Thanks so much Ashley now to my next question. Do you like massages? "

"Yes and I might even love them if you give me one. "

"Maybe later Ash."

"Is that a promise?"

"No it's a threat. "

"I am sufficiently scared. Would you rather have love or a million dollars?"

Her face was a classic representation of a person deep in thought. She then met my gaze with her own and smiled her graceful smile as if to say that she was very proud of her answer. "Well…if I were to be head over heels in love with that million then I could totally have both."

"Spencer Carlin! What are you saying right now?"

"It's possible to love money"

I shook my head in mock disapproval. Because, let's be serious, there is barely a thing in this world that could be done by Spencer Carlin that would make me disappointed. "Disappointing."

She gave an exaggerated sigh. "Yep that's what they all say. Do you play video games?"

Now the consequences of answering this honestly could be very bad. Or they could be very good. I like honesty in these type of games, so I believe the truth is the way to go. "I'll play Call of Duty Black Ops every once in a while." And by the look on her face and the intense laughter coming out of her mouth I figured the truth probably wasn't the best idea "Hey why the heck are you laughing….stop it!"

She settled down a bit as some of the color left her cheeks leaving it that tantalizing sort of pale before giving me a confident salute. "Whatever you say CoD."

Hell no…. "Do not start calling me that."

"CoD"

"One more time I swear to god I will- "

She put a hand to her chin rubbing it thoughtfully before saying "Hey CoD I was just wondering-"

"Shut the hell up CC, just shut it." I stood up and looked away from her. I should not be made fun of for that. Especially since I practically beat the game in record time. And besides I couldn't stay annoyed while looking at that devastatingly cute face of hers, so I had to turn away.

I soon felt smooth arms circle my waist holding on tightly. And I could smell Spencer all around me. I then felt her soft locks against my skin and her breaths make its way to my ear, massaging every inch of skin on its way there. "Awww I'm sorry." She then applied a soft kiss to my neck before slowly letting go of my wait, taking my hand and leading me back onto the bed.

"Yeah you will be. Anyway it's my turn. What is your favorite sugary cereal?" It sounded weak I know, and it barely made it out of my mouth. After What Spencer had done I am fairly surprised that I still had the ability to talk at all. And this is the kind of thing I love. Those special little moments with her.

"Frosted flakes. What is your favorite sugary cereal?"

"Once again copying my questions. Not very original. But Trix are the shit dude."

"Yeah okay I'll take your word on that one."

"Good, you should. What do you think about tattoos?"

"I think some of them are kind of sexy but others can be very creepy."

"Fair enough."

She took my hands in hers and started to rub them softly with her thumb effectively melting every brain cell I own. "Ashley can I just ask you the rest of my questions I don't like answering and I know how much you do. You can ask the rest of yours after I do mine."

The girl is absolutely unbelievable. She knows exactly what to do to get what she wants from me. "No Spencer that is totally cheating….do not pout at me. Oh fine just ask already."

She didn't stop the motion of her thumb dancing across my skin. But she did look up at me, conveying some sort of message through her eyes, but the murky depths of those blue sees where just too hard for me to see through. "What was your longest relationship?"

"I guess a few months but I want to change that. You have two questions left Carlin." And this is where things start to get all shaken up. Because Spencer is never content with just staying in the safe zone. She likes to push me. She likes to know about me, and I am not too sure if I like that too much.

"Good to know. I'll ask one more than you can ask yours."

"What about your last one?"

"I am saving it. What are you scared of?"

I feel like she has asked me this so many times before. But as I study her features I notice certain things. I notice how her eyes get all cloudy when she thinks, I notice she gets this little scowl on her face when something is on her mind, and I notice how she notices when I don't tell her the full truth. And whenever she asks me this question it just seems like I can never get that full truth out. But in the safety of my room, and her presence surrounding me, suffocating me, her eyes boring into mine, I feel like I just have to. "My mom not feeling the same way about me anymore, at least not after I tell her. The things I am feeling scare me. And you scare me, more than you will ever know."

"Ash-"But I don't want to hear her try and make me feel better. Her voice is so sweet, so light, so full of life, and I hate when it is filled with concern or worry, so I decide to take this moment to really ask her what I want to.

"Do you like me?"

She let out a small baby like laugh. A grin on her face. "Yes, it is a secret but I actually happen to like you very much."

And then I ask the question that I ask myself every day. But really I don't need to ask myself anymore. There are so many things that I would change if I could. So many things that I would change to make me so much better than I am right now. "If you could change one thing about me what would it be?"

Her body seemed to stiffen and I quickly looked anywhere but at her. The silence hung in the air for what seemed like hours, until I met her smoldering gaze once more. Her hand softly held mine and there was a fiery, daring look in her eyes. "I wouldn't dare change anything about you. Because you are Fucking Perfect just the way you are. I mean, everything about you makes you Ashley Davies, the girl I like so much. So I wouldn't change a thing. I mean what exactly is the point of changing perfection when you have it right there in your grasp."

I looked down at our hands intertwined. Then I managed to look up into her eyes that always seem to bring me back to the sea. And I realized that the sea is kind of like our relationship at this point. It is so beautiful, so scary, so god damn unpredictable. But do you know what makes the sea so special. I'll tell you what. The fact that nothing is ever guaranteed when you are out at sea, nothing is ever truly safe. You just need to take a risk to see the actual beauty. And I want to. I want to see how beautiful this could become. So the risk is what I am willing to take. For once I feel like I'm not so scared. "If I kissed you right now would you hurt me?"

Her eyes darkened to the royal blue that I have been enchanted by and her hand gripped mine tighter. She looked me dead in the eye as her body was perfectly still. "I'm not sure about that….Are you brave enough to get your answer?"

**So anyways I really hope you liked it and it was worth the wait. Should I keep going? Would you like to hear how the relationship progresses? Did you like this chapter? You tell me.**

**Please review-it means a lot :D **


	12. She could be it

**Finally some sort of update :D Sorry for the wait and I really hope you enjoy the chapter. Reviews are always appreciated and help to speed up the writing process, if you have anything you want to recommend, comment on, or ask. Thank you for reading!  
**

"_Are you brave enough to get your answer?'_

I should have said no. I should have told her I wasn't ready, I was terrified. I should have gotten up and walked away just like the last time we kissed, but something was different. Something stopped me. Maybe it was the way her hand gently, cautiously held mine- like it was the only thing keeping her on this earth, maybe it was the way her earnest blue eyes watched me intently waiting for any sign to back off, give me room, simply let me breath, maybe it was the way her angelic lips quirked into a nervous, shy sort of smile, maybe it was the way I lover her. I don't know what it was, and I don't think I ever truly will. But in that moment I realized I would never be ready. I don't think anyone could truly be ready for the phenomenon that is Spencer Carlin. I wanted that kiss. I needed it- we needed it.

As I began to lean in I noticed that mischievous glint in the corner of Spencer's eye and I saw her lips tug upward- the beginning of one of her heart breaking smiles. As she came in closer her smell was all around me, comforting me, supporting me, helping me breath. It is cinnamon and warmth and home swirling about. As her warm breath washed over my face, my eyes softly shut on their own accord. And as her lips gently, cautiously met mine it wasn't aggressive, too passionate, or some kind of battle for control. It was promising, hopeful, free, absolutely heart wrenching. When her careful lips slowly began to move against mine, gruelingly slow, I could feel it. The fear began to bubble up in the pit of my stomach like a wild fire- but she's water, she's life, my god she could be all I need. It didn't last long, it didn't need to- it couldn't. Slowly we each began to pull away, breathing quickly. I watched as Spencer anxiously bit her lip before resting her forehead lightly against mine. As I looked into her eyes, her whirlwind, almost magical eyes I knew she could be it. It was so real. But that's what I saw with Katie, that's what I felt with her- and that wasn't too real, at all, I needed to run. But with her skin warmly against mine, her breath softly sweeping my face, her eyes tearing into mine, I couldn't budge. There was no way I could physically move. So I used words, I used words to try and escape it all like I had so many times before.

As my eyes shut close, my words came out shaky- pathetic."Tell me that I mean nothing to you."

Her hand tightly clutched mine and it almost made me feel safe. Her voice filled with wonder, and so much conviction."You mean the world to me Ashley Davies."

I drew back from her and let my eyes steadily open only to find her gazing back at me. My voice is anything but calm, anything but normal. I need her to tell me- I need her to understand. "Tell me that you hate me."

At those words she let loose a small smile that tugged at my heart. She slowly came up to me, her eyes never leaving mine and left a feather light kiss on my neck, lingering a moment more than necessary, the skin beneath burning at her touch. Her hand traveled the length of my cheek and her eyes raged. Her voice was quiet, but confident. She knew that I needed this, she always seems to know. "I adore you with everything I have."

I took her hand in mine, playing with each of her fingers, my voice was small, my god it was so small. And all I could do was look at her hands. It's sad really, all I could to was look at her hands intertwined with mine because that image, well it meant the world to me at that moment. "Tell me that you'll leave me- it's just a matter of time."

She took my hand and slowly brought the inside of my wrist up to her lips, leaving a small kiss as reassurance. I don't know how, but I found the strength to look into those eyes, those eyes that could never let me forget the way she makes me feel. Her voice was sweet, music to my ears. "Why would I ever leave your side, there's no place I'd rather be."

I let my eyes wander, land on everything else besides her and when they came back to her bewitching face I could see the concern etched on. It was barely a whisper- but something I needed to say, something I just had to know. "Tell me that it will be okay, we'll be okay."

She took a moment, barely even a second before sporting a confident grin and giving a secure nod. Her voice was honest- pure- painfully raw. And when she said those words, I know she meant them, I know she believed them. I just wasn't sure if I did. I wasn't sure if I could just yet. I wasn't sure if I could let myself. "We will. We'll be just fine. I promise you."

I stood up from the bed taking a few unsuccessful calming steps. A shaky hand ran through my hair and my voice sounded tired, frightened, unsure. It sounded like the wreck that I really am. "Spence"

Her voice was soothing, melodic, simple. Such a simple message, from such a seemingly simple girl, and my god did that simple message startle me. "Don t be scared Ashley"

I turned around and simply stared at her for a few short seconds. I let my arms cross over my chest and my head fall a bit. My voice sounded...defensive...yes that's exactly what is sounded like. "Who says I'm scared?"

She stood up and looked at me, really looked at me. You know what I mean? It was one of those times where she looked at me and I felt like she was tearing apart my soul, searching the deepest depths of my mind and my heart. And I don't think I've ever felt so alive- so vulnerable. Her voice was quiet, concise- tell tale. "You're eyes. Your eyes say it all."

And since it seems she had already invaded my soul, I let it all out. I ranted and I rambled and I paced and I think I might just be shaking. I'm saying it too fast, I'm saying it the wrong way, but I'm saying it and I suppose that's what truly matters, my heart is telling me that's what really matters. "I want you, my god I want you so bad it hurts. But I've built all these walls and I've tried so hard to protect my heart, and you just look, you just look at me and they start to crumble."

"I'm not going to hurt you, it's okay to let them fall Ashley, to let me in."

I didn't mean for my shoulders to tremble the way they did. I didn't mean for my voice to come out so shaky, so broken. I didn't mean to let that simple tear slide down my check. Honest, I didn't. I didn't mean for so much to happen. But that voice, and those eyes, and that love...that love that's suffocating me and freeing me and saving me. I didn't mean for it to happen, not at all,but it did. Should I take it back. Should I apologize for it, or maybe let it be. "I'm trying its just-"

Her delicate hand landed on my shoulder giving it a slight squeeze. Her voice took on that concerned tone, that heavy tone, that urgent sort of tone. "Hey, Ashley are you okay?"

I ignored that rogue tear and I tried my hardest to stabilize myself, my voice, my mind. I shut my eyes tight and my jaw clenched almost painfully. I give the answer that I have given so many times before. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine."

Sarcasm, oh how I hate it when its used against me. But that's what her voice holds, disbelief, absolute disbelief. That's okay sometimes I really can't believe myself either. "Really? You're really going to lie to me right now?"

I let my eyes open and I see her starring back at me, her head slightly tilted, vivid eyes calmly searching. What is she searching for, the truth, the answer, a way to help. I wish I could help her find them, I do. I wish I could help myself find them. My shoulders drop on their own accord and I let out a tired breath even I didn't know I was holding. "Fine is how I want to be"

It's soft, not too pushing, just enough. Open up, open up, I can practically hear her scream through those words. "But its not how you are."

Thanks for letting me know, I wasn't aware. I shake my head. At myself, at the situation, at life I guess. It's no big deal- so why can't I seem to get through it all. Why does it seem to keep piling up on top of me. "I'm just nervous, its no big deal."

But she doesn't believe that, not for a second, I can tell by the way her eyes won't leave me for the slightest moment, I can tell by the way her voice is so gentle it makes me want to cry. And I guess, somehow I knew she wouldn't. "It's a big deal to me. Come on what are you nervous about?"

"I shouldn't be, I know I shouldn't be. It's just I'm falling, im falling and I'm scared that I wont be able to stop myself."

She nodded her head , looking at the ground, in what I suppose was understanding. Then she looked up, her sneaky eyes shining, giving me her reasonable response. "Well that's okay, because I'll always be there to catch you."

I couldn't help the grin that spread across my face if I tried. But you know what I wouldn't want to. And looking at her there, slightly leaning against the wall, smiling, hoping, caring I couldn't help the words that seemed to jump out of my mouth. "You're sweet."

She graced me with a small shrug and one of her oh so witty comments, that I've come to love more and more everyday. "I try."

I let a tiny laugh run wild around the room, I mean Spencer Carlin can be quite funny at times."Oh yes I can tell. But really, do you think it could work, we could work?"

"Well I like you a lot, I do. And if im not mistaken you like me too. Am I correct?" She made it seem so easy, and maybe just maybe it was that easy. Together we could make it that simple.

I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes."Yes I happen to like you very much" I wasn't supposed to say the next bit- but it just slipped right out of my mouth."too much."

"There's never too much, besides We trust each other. I know I can talk to you about anything and well of course you can talk to me about what ever you need to. You've let me in and I understand how big that is for you. I know you Ash. I'm not saying that it will be the easiest thing in the world, but I want it, you know- I want us and if you want it too I think that's enough to get things started."

"I don't think you have any idea how much I want this."

"Well then Ashley Davies, it seems we have something great, something that will only get better."

"You drive me crazy you know that?" And she does, she really does. The things she says, the way she looks at me, the little things she does. My god it sends my heart, my mind into over drive. Crazy, that's exactly what she makes me- and I don't think I'd have it any other way.

The shaking of her head was accompanied by a tiny giggle that seemed to light up the room, clear it out a bit. "No I wasn't aware"

That's crazy, she's always aware. "Well I just wanted you to know-"

There was a knock on the door and the sound made us both jump, brought us back to the real world in a way, we shared a look before a voice was heard."Can I come in?" Ah yes my mom, now I am most definitely back in the real world.

"Yeah of course mom, come on in." With that the door opened and she took a step forward, not really coming into the room. And for some reason I was glad, so glad that she didn't walk into my room.

"I just wanted to make sure you guys were okay up here and say I'm back from work. But it seems everything is alright so I'm gonna go" She gave a quick smile and wave before gently closing the door behind her. I faintly heard her as she walked down the staircase.

Jesus, shes just standing there starring at me, through me. Her voice is quite blunt to be honest. "You look guilty."

A slight shrug is all I can offer "I feel guilty". I feel like crap would be a better way of saying it.

It's a bit harsh, a bit strong- something Spencer doesn't usually do. I can see it in those eyes, she means it- "Don't"

"I need to tell her." And I do, I really do because its eating away at me, lying to my own mother like that

She gives a slight nod and pushes off the wall taking a step toward me. "You do, but you have time, plenty of time. And when the time comes I'll help you figure out how to tell her."

That makes sense, that makes tons of sense. And I want to believe that, I do. But I just can't help the biting feeling in my stomach and the gnawing at my heart."I don't know I just feel like im doing her wrong all the time when I lie to her about this kind of stuff."

She lazily wrapped her arms around my waist, effectively cutting off all my brain power for the moment. "Perhaps, but you'd be doing yourself wrong if you tell her before you're ready."

"Such wise words, for such a loser." Yes, I know, I am extremely immature. What can I say- it's the first thing that came to mind.

"You didn't seem to think I was such a loser when you kissed me before." She actually stuck her tongue out at me...That was also quite immature. What a strange pair we are.

"I have absolutely nothing to say"

An infectious smile breaks out across the face that I have come to adore oh so much. Her voice eager, teasing- she practically shouts "Well that's a first. THANK GOD!"

I couldn't help the gasp that left my lips at her words. That's Spence for you. With that playful look in her eyes, and a solid smirk in place she took off running. That crazy girl ran right out of my room. And I chased her. I chased her and I couldn't help thinking I wouldn't mind chasing a girl like Spencer Carlin every once in a while. But who knows what will happen when I catch her, that's the real surprise.

**I hope you enjoyed it. So did you like the way the chapter was written, what happened between Spencer and Ashley? Review and let me know, if you have the time and the energy :D **


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